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December 13, 2012
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You all know of the stories... the tales of once upon a time in a land far, far away...

Yes...

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom. A prosperous kingdom whose king was beginning preparations for his daughter's engagement. There was much celebration that she had become an adult.
There was a young man, a handsome knight, who came to the kingdom's castle. Once he arrived, he saw her, and she saw him. Their eyes met, and their love for each other flowed forth. They joined hands and gazed into each others' eyes, and they shared their first kiss of true love. For each, it was their first kiss, and their love only flourished. The king granted his blessings to this young knight and


The next thing you know, a bloodied knife has torn through the pages of that story.
Those stories do not exist.
You see yourself watching a young man with messy red hair tied back in a short horsetail, and his bangs partially mask his intense blue-green eyes. A scar makes itself known on his cheek. His hands are stained red.

He speaks.

"I am no Prince Charming."

A meeting. A contract.
Yes, their eyes meet. But she does not find love. She finds malice, the cold eyes of a predator.

And yes, she is his prey. He desires her, is overcome by emotion he cannot explain as he gains her trust.
He spirits her away for a brief time.

Hands holding, lips touching, bodies intertwining.

Pain.

Capture.

Heartbreak.

Betrayal.

Hate.

Fortitude.

Bloodshed.

That knife will forever remain stained.
Because I actually am working on an original story.
:iconmiconutziri:
First off, live with the fact that I ain't the best at English and that I only have critiqued a few times before.

The way you start off as some happy fairy tale with a good ending is really great. And then this comes The next thing you know, a bloodied knife has torn through the pages of that story, making a little surprise in me. I was a bit confused, but after rereading the sentence, I understood it. You meant it for being a slash between the normal kind of fairy tale or story, right?
The way you describe the young man is great. I just miss something of what he's wearing. Is he naked? Or is he wearing a dress? Or a kimono? I'm a bit confused there.
All those words in the end of this is great. I don't know why, but I love when writers does that.

Vision: The short writing reflects an idea you got. I gave it 4½ stars because it wants me too read more of this story.

Originality: Now, I've seen this before, somewhere some years ago in a book I read. It was written in a different way, but I don't think this and that share anything in common really. Therefore, 4 stars.

Technique: You are a very skilled writer, after all, you are the Goddess of Fanfiction. Anyways, as I said earlier, it makes me wanna read more. I gave it 4½ because it wasn't so long.

Impact: Blown out of my seat from the epicness. I hope the full story will be as good as this is!

Again, i'm sorry if it is a bad critique. I'm still quite new at this, and I hope you found this helpful.

Mico Gallus Nutziri
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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